So, in the news lately, to put it mildly, there's been a lot of talk about rape and coercion and where is the line between the two. Also talk about when women just give in so the persuasion ("persuasion") stops. This morning I had a real life example that had nothing to do with sex, and made me see how pervasive persuasion can be.
My husband works from home. I could write ten blogs about this, and I may, but that's not the point today. Today the point is this: we are in the very slow process of renovating our house (very slow, again, another blog) and not all things are in the places they will end up. Also, my father built a lot, really a lot, of furniture in his life, and really a lot of it ended up at my house. (He did as well, but again--another blog for another day). So, in my dining room is what is in fact a TV stand, from the days of not flat-screen TVs. It's very nice, black walnut, with a space for a VCR, and storage underneath. It has fetched up in my dining room, since we're living in the future now and have a wall-mounted flat screen TV, with a credenza (that he built as well) underneath. I have stuff in it and on it, including a hot dog cooker. However, as part of the renovation, I got rid of the clunky old computer desk my father ALSO built, and replaced it with a cool little glass number that sits in the corner. Replaced my old computer with a laptop, and my old printer wasn't recognized. So. For those keeping score, new desk, new printer, no room for any printer, printer on the floor. My goal is to move the TV stand into the living room, site of the computer and buy a console table for the dining room, which will take up less room but still have some storage.
Oh, and my daughter got married 11 days ago and I made the dress. In the dining room, in fact, because the room that is to be my sewing room has not been reached by the slow-moving tide of renovation. So, not that much time to be thinking about console table.
This morning my husband, who had nothing to do for various reasons, wandered into the living room, where I was indulging in a little pre-getting started Cookie Jam on my tablet, and asked if he wanted me to bring a table (we have lots of them) for the printer. I said no, I was planning on getting a console table and moving the stand in. I thought that pretty much stated my case. He continued. I can bring down a table for the printer, just until you get the other one. I said, no....when we do that, the temporary becomes the permanent, so I'd rather wait until I had the stuff I wanted and then we could do it. He said, well, what about that thing your father built that has a top and legs.... I said that he had to be more specific. I refrained from saying that he had just described a table, and my father built a lot of tables. He went on, and I said that our daughter had it. He suggested something else.
And then...and then. And then I was tired of stating my case, and after all, what did it really matter if we had a table I hadn't actually chosen in this room for a little while, and God, please just stop talking to me, did I not make myself clear? So I said, fine, bring a table. It's good.
And then, of course, because this WASN'T sex, he said, no, no, I just thought, and then I said, this is what you do, you ask me a question, and I answer, and then you harangue me and harangue me and harangue me until I give you the answer that you want to hear. So I'm giving in. I'm good. Bring a table, it's fine. I'm not mad. You had the better idea. Just bring one.
He said he wasn't haranguing me, we were having a conversation, and I said, no, we're not having a conversation, that's where you consider the other person's point of view, what we're doing here is you listen to me just enough to think up a rebuttal to what I just said and that's not a conversation.
And then he left. And then I came to my new laptop and got on Wayfair and stopped dithering and ordered a console table, which will be here on the 12th. So I suppose that was good, it got me to do it.
But that's what happens. It wasn't really rape, because in the end she said yes. She probably knew him. It wasn't rape, because she gave in. Because that's what men are taught, that they know better. Even if the woman has another plan--to use a different table, to not have sex that night--they know better. So they keep on, because men are taught that it's okay to be persistent. That's not nagging. It's also not bullying, and it's certainly not rape.
No. Not at all.
She gave in.
My husband works from home. I could write ten blogs about this, and I may, but that's not the point today. Today the point is this: we are in the very slow process of renovating our house (very slow, again, another blog) and not all things are in the places they will end up. Also, my father built a lot, really a lot, of furniture in his life, and really a lot of it ended up at my house. (He did as well, but again--another blog for another day). So, in my dining room is what is in fact a TV stand, from the days of not flat-screen TVs. It's very nice, black walnut, with a space for a VCR, and storage underneath. It has fetched up in my dining room, since we're living in the future now and have a wall-mounted flat screen TV, with a credenza (that he built as well) underneath. I have stuff in it and on it, including a hot dog cooker. However, as part of the renovation, I got rid of the clunky old computer desk my father ALSO built, and replaced it with a cool little glass number that sits in the corner. Replaced my old computer with a laptop, and my old printer wasn't recognized. So. For those keeping score, new desk, new printer, no room for any printer, printer on the floor. My goal is to move the TV stand into the living room, site of the computer and buy a console table for the dining room, which will take up less room but still have some storage.
Oh, and my daughter got married 11 days ago and I made the dress. In the dining room, in fact, because the room that is to be my sewing room has not been reached by the slow-moving tide of renovation. So, not that much time to be thinking about console table.
This morning my husband, who had nothing to do for various reasons, wandered into the living room, where I was indulging in a little pre-getting started Cookie Jam on my tablet, and asked if he wanted me to bring a table (we have lots of them) for the printer. I said no, I was planning on getting a console table and moving the stand in. I thought that pretty much stated my case. He continued. I can bring down a table for the printer, just until you get the other one. I said, no....when we do that, the temporary becomes the permanent, so I'd rather wait until I had the stuff I wanted and then we could do it. He said, well, what about that thing your father built that has a top and legs.... I said that he had to be more specific. I refrained from saying that he had just described a table, and my father built a lot of tables. He went on, and I said that our daughter had it. He suggested something else.
And then...and then. And then I was tired of stating my case, and after all, what did it really matter if we had a table I hadn't actually chosen in this room for a little while, and God, please just stop talking to me, did I not make myself clear? So I said, fine, bring a table. It's good.
And then, of course, because this WASN'T sex, he said, no, no, I just thought, and then I said, this is what you do, you ask me a question, and I answer, and then you harangue me and harangue me and harangue me until I give you the answer that you want to hear. So I'm giving in. I'm good. Bring a table, it's fine. I'm not mad. You had the better idea. Just bring one.
He said he wasn't haranguing me, we were having a conversation, and I said, no, we're not having a conversation, that's where you consider the other person's point of view, what we're doing here is you listen to me just enough to think up a rebuttal to what I just said and that's not a conversation.
And then he left. And then I came to my new laptop and got on Wayfair and stopped dithering and ordered a console table, which will be here on the 12th. So I suppose that was good, it got me to do it.
But that's what happens. It wasn't really rape, because in the end she said yes. She probably knew him. It wasn't rape, because she gave in. Because that's what men are taught, that they know better. Even if the woman has another plan--to use a different table, to not have sex that night--they know better. So they keep on, because men are taught that it's okay to be persistent. That's not nagging. It's also not bullying, and it's certainly not rape.
No. Not at all.
She gave in.
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